Mud Volcano

Volcan de Totumo

Legend has it that a mythical beast lies in wait just outside of Cartagena, Colombia. This creature lures unsuspecting victims into its grasp with promises of smooth, healthy skin. But once you get to Volcan de Totumo, its too late to save yourself. Sure, your epidermis may get a rejuvenating boost, but you are also doomed to endure one of the most awkward experiences of your life. And I loved every second.

Volcan de Totumo is an actual volcano, but just mini sized, and instead of spewing hot ash or lava, it oozes a grayish warm mud that supposedly has healing properties. So, I have the opportunity to cover myself head to toe in a mud hot tub and call it beneficial for my health? You can keep your perks, because I'm doing it either way.

So, you arrive at the little village encrusted at the base of Volcan de Totumo and ascend the stairs up the 40 foot high mound of dried mud with nothing more than a bathing suit or pair of underpants you can stand to get a bit muddy. There are already a handful of people submerged to their necks in the goop, but you slide on in to get a piece of the action yourself.

Upon entry, you are instantly overpowered by a wild new sensation. Your feet can't touch the bottom, (not that you can really keep them under you thanks to an instant lack of body control), due to the combination of the mud being quite deep and very dense so there is this whole buoyancy thing going on. You can try as hard as you want to submerge past your head, but the mud just keeps popping you back up.

About 0.72 seconds after getting in, a local grabs you, makes you lie on your back, and begins to massage you. First, I am fairly certain these dudes have never attended massage therapy school. Second, while this is an "optional" extra and they will obviously ask you for money later, you have no choice in the matter because that massage is happening whether you want it or not. Third, it actually feels pretty good.

So, they cover you, rub you down, then give you a good shove and you zoom over to the other side of the volcano like a muddy torpedo. You watch as more and more people pile into the ooze pit that is roughly the diameter of the 3 foot deep swimming pool your friend had whose house you would spend every day at over the summer in middle school. This is the time to watch other people's inevitably hilarious reactions to the mud and to also try and get your own body situated. The latter just isn't going to happen.

For some reason, you just can't control your body as you try to keep your feet under you and keep everything in an upright position. Volcan de Totumo won't allow for any sort of order as it prefers a humorous chaos. With more and more bodies packing the volcano to capacity and a dwindling amount of hope for control, it was best to just let go and give in to the squishy orgy. Arms floated into danger zones, legs surfaced in no-no land, and the occasional hand “accidentally” grazed random tenderness. It could have been rather sexy if half the people in there didn’t have more wrinkles than a bucket of raisins.

Eventually you get your fill of the goopy grope session and pull yourself from the muck. Careful not to slip and slide your way down the rickety stairs, you make your way down to the river to wash off. Once there, you are bombarded by ladies who want to take off your clothes and give you the best scrubbing you’ve ever had.

Unfortunately these are not young desirable women with soft angelic hands looking to do you any favors other than to get the mud out of crevices you didn’t even know you had. The wrinklefest continues as these old ladies tug at any shred of clothing you may still have on in their efforts to get you cleaner than you ever thought you could be after soaking in a mud volcano. Of course, they want to be paid too.

After all is done and said,(and the equivalent of 4 dollars has been shelled out for the extras), you have been put through an absolute sensory overload of new experiences. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings you could never imagine combine to leave you a bit stunned. Attempting to process all that happens over the course of one wild hour is rather difficult. You are far better off just accepting it all as one ridiculously unique experience that you are highly unlikely to ever encounter again. Oh Volcan de Totumo, as awkward as you may be, it’s tough not to love every squishy bit of you.

Well, I’m off to Parque Tayrona to replace the mud in my crack with a little sand. Lovsies!